Perspective

I finally registered today for the Mohican 50. To anyone who knows me -- most especially Roy Heger, he would get this point -- it feels like I am cheating. Like I am dumbing-down my effort, registering for the 50 and not the 100. (We both felt that way running the 100k instead of the 100 mile at Oil Creek last year.) Now to all those wonderful people, my friends and colleagues of the sport who have registered for the 50 mile or even the marathon, I want you to understand I totally respect you for having the guts to sign up, train, and (I assume) show up on race day. Please don't feel disregarded -- you are all amazing and I totally give you credit for the hard work and mental toughness this sport takes. I just have this expectation level of myself that makes running the 50 seem like a cop-out, like I am not strong enough for the 100.

Well, truth be told, I am not strong enough for the 100. For the last two years I have had hideous DNFs from this race. And frankly, this year I cannot handle another. So I am not going to even try. I can't get my mind around going up Hickory Ridge four times. I can't face the blatant truth of my inconsistent training all fall/winter/spring because at the time it felt like all I could do, all I could manage.

I have settled for so little out of myself for a year now I ashamed. And not only in regard to running, but regarding my job, my family responsibilities, and house/car maintenance. The only energy I have had I put into loving my daughters, caring for them, and suffering through day after day just showing up enough to get by in life.

Perspective. I have to gain perspective.

To most of the US, running a 50 mile trail race is pretty impressive. Working a full time job in Cleveland while I live in Medina, a single mom with a grass to mow, doing all that and running, seems like I extend myself. I have motivation, right? If it appears that way, it is only your perspective.

My father is going on his 25th straight week of hospitalization. He is 100% ventilated with a feeding tube, and doesn't sit up, cannot eat or speak. And my mother tells him every day (when he is awake) that he could have it worse. He could be -- I don't know -- trapped under a building in Joplin or in a coma or what, I don't know. Someone has it worse for sure, she says. It is all in your perspective. I personally think my father is in a living hell.

So that's why I registered. I finally committed myself to something. Because I have been rolling around my little house, belly-aching to anyone who will listen, for more than 8 months now, all about my poor sad life. But here is a gift: I can run. Despite the loneliness, or the knee pain, or the lack of motivation, or the time pressure, I am physically able to run. I have no business complaining about my life when I could have it like Dad.

I will run the 50 and finish the 50, and maybe, just maybe, if I can get over myself and my poor attitude I will be able to register and run another 100 still this year. Best of all, I will be part of a race that is a tradition for me and my family, for my kids and bff Sharon crewing me every year, where so many folks I love will be, all in one place. Thinking of them might just save me.

Rapture Day

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May 21, 2011 -- Judgment Day...

...And I am sitting on my couch, ready to cut my grass? Why bother. In fact, the litterbox really doesn't have to be clean, nor do the dishes in the sink. Whomever is left behind in this hellish world can do them for five months. In fact, I am certainly sure that dealing with this cat Cairo, as I have since October, is some sort of hell on earth which I pre-paid. So good luck, whomever is left to deal with it -- cuz the cat is not going to heaven today for sure!

Granted, this post is more tongue-in-cheek than my other posts. And I hesitate writing it, thinking it even, because it feels blasphemous. Bear with me here, though, because I feel this needs to be said.

I was raised in what I thought was a religious household. I was taught to fear God and that I was sinning if I broke any of the Ten Commandments. Not ever in my young life was I told to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior, so I guess no matter how "religious" I was, I wasn't prepared to be saved anyhow. Even now, with all the new Christian beliefs I have begun to consider and even to live, it may not be the exact right amount that today I will be chosen to leave for Heaven.

I have a lot of questions. I just learned about this Second Coming coming today, recently. I thought it was going to be 2012 because of the Mayan calendar end or something.

Why is it today exactly, May 21st? I have tried to do a little internet research on how this date was calculated, and after all the formulas blurred my vision I gave up and said, okay, whatever. I was never good at math anyhow. Somehow this is 7000 years after the flood and it is the second biblical month and you add a year, or something, and come up with today, May 21st. Then five months later is the actual end of the world. Or wait, maybe today will be MY end of the world. But I won't know that until 6 p.m. I guess. Please don't even ASK me how they figured 6 p.m.!

But seriously, one thing I think I have learned over my lifetime is that God is NOT a punishing God. In fact, He promised not to punish us again, after the flood. This was His big apology, right? "I won't ever do that again, it was a terrible, bad mistake." So why does anyone believe that there will be such a devastating earthquake at 6 p.m. today, so "massive" and beyond our wildest nightmares that those not chosen will be left to riot and pilfer and ache for five months, taunted by the grace of Jesus -- but not ever be able, after today, to accept that grace? I thought that God would always accept my plea for forgiveness? Suddenly, after today, He won't?

Then again, how do I know, maybe I have done enough to be saved? Jesus will save those who truly believe in God, while "shunning" those who have ignored his love. These "saved" people will be brought to Heaven from Earth in an instant by Jesus himself. Those left behind will suffer the torment of the Apocalypse for 5 long months until the End of the World on October 21, 2011. (It figures that the world is ending on MY 45th BIRTHDAY. I will never qualify for Boston now, I was banking on those extra 10 minutes!) But anyhow, so maybe I will be saved? I have been good ... enough. Relatively speaking anyhow. Look at all the bad people of the world, I am nothing compared to THEM. Surely THEY will be left behind in torment while I will be carried away by Jesus today.

So, I have decided that the grass can wait to be cut. (I can't start the mower anyhow.) I will clean the litterbox and the bathroom, just because it is the right thing to do no matter who is left behind to tend my home. I have a lot of questions still, and there is no one to ask. I am looking at my dog Baylee, playing with the damned cat, listening to the loud traffic of the four-way stop outside my window thinking this might be some kind of small torment already. Alone in my box-of-a-house with the muddy basement, I should put it in to perspective, right? I used to think that torment was living in a neighborhood that housed fake smiles! THAT compared to a neighborhood where no one uses the sidewalks, but walks down the middle of the street in a pack of guys wearing hoodies. Are we sure that the rapture didn't happen last October? I'm not convinced.

Thankfully, at noon I am leaving to go to one of my favorite places on earth, to do one of my favorite things, with some of my favorite people. I am going to Mohican State Park to run trails with some crazy friends, people I love. I may as well be doing something I love, that makes me happy, at the moment of the great earthquake. I do feel bad that I won't be with my daughters, but I am positive they are the Chosen and will be judged correctly for the innocent loving souls they are, and have been, all their lives. I know for sure they are the only things I did right in my life... and maybe, just maybe, that alone will earn my place in Heaven. Just in case it isn't, and all my life I had a chance to say "I accept Jesus as my Savior" and didn't say it exactly right, I want you to know, girls, that I love you. With the totality of my heart, I love you, unconditionally and forever.

God be with us all.

Healing

That's It!

That's it, I have had it. Simply had it with Winter! As I was chopping away at 2 inches of thick ice on my gravel driveway this morning, it hit me, this is my saturation point.

Did you know that ice does not melt as quickly on gravel as it does on cement? Neither did I until recently. And did you know that in Cleveland you can see mostly all grass, and in Medina, still loads of thick whitish gray snow?

This is perhaps the time of year when patience levels dwindle for many things, most especially in northern Ohio. Tired of being inside but so tired of the bone aching cold and shivering out in the weather? This "I've had it" feeling bubbles over, in to general living, I have found. Seriously, how many folks do you know are living a joyful life right now? Okay, so there are exceptions, those who have decided that no matter what the world is doing, what the new governor is stirring up, no matter if our union's existence is threatened or if layoffs will dampen our livelihood, they are going to be HAPPY. I admire those folks, in all honesty... they are the ones who find a way to get through the 75-85 mile hardships and complete a 100 mile race. I wonder a lot if I will ever be able to endure again like that.

One of my "things" -- my probably annoying-to-most "personality things" -- is to read self-help books. I don't necessarily abide by the general advice of each book, how is that possible anyway. I just do a sort of mega-analysis and file results away in my brain and recall blurry concepts when the need arises. I found a really good point, though, the other day, one I would like to share with you. The book credits Thomas Leonard, founder of "Coach U" for the saying, "While pain isn't optional, suffering is." I liked this because I have found myself saying to myself and others that life happens -- and we all have issues these days to deal with -- it is not what happens necessarily, but how we react to it. What might be hard for me might be easy for another. If I react poorly to a "simple" hardship, that hardship becomes even harder.

In other words, in life you can't necessarily avoid pain -- but you can choose whether or not you suffer from it.

For example, Rose Armbruster was most certainly one of God's angels put on this earth to bring happiness to everyone she touched. I am serious, this woman, if there was a woman alive who could be a saint-- well, she was it. Rose was stricken with an aggressive cancer that killed her within two seasons after diagnosis. Her children loved her so much they begged her to battle with the most aggressive chemo out there, which she did willingly. Harsh was not the word for how this chemo wrecked her body. When the doctor would ask her, "Rose, what is your pain level on the scale of 1 to 10," even in the midst of what was obviously the worst pain she had ever experienced, she would smile and say, "oh, about a 6 or 7." Even on her last dwindling days of life, she made an effort to smile, be happy, love her kids and grandkids, find the good in the day, and not "suffer" because of the pain laid upon her.

I cannot think of a better example than Rose. But I can think of some who are close. One of my closest friends has been given the most difficult challenges because those challenges are laid upon his children. He has had to see them in pain and suffer with them. I have seen his strength. I have seen him thank God for the blessings he and his children are given, even the smallest of blessings like an "easy" surgery. I have seen him appreciate a relaxing day in the sun despite knowing another day of stress was coming tomorrow. If he can make this life worth living, why can't we?

And then there are those like Bob Pokorny who ride the waves of challenge as if it were all just nothing. I may have in the past almost mocked him for minimizing all hardships, even significant ones, still I truly appreciate that even in the midst of my total over-reactions to non-monumental things I can call Bob and hear his calming voice that puts my panic into perspective, calibrating me.

Besides, think about it. Does even your best friend want to be around you if you are on a constant downer? A continuous binge of sadness? Of ruminating over all the lousy breaks and poor cards you've been dealt recently? No. We all go through rough times, through rough seasons. But they are just seasons. And seasons end.

Even Winter ends.

It is a blessing from God that we have this near-week of a thaw, before we go back into the 30's for another few weeks of snow. I plan to take the gift, and notice the smiles that emerge when the temperature hits 50 in February. Maybe that positivity will get me through the cold until Spring.

A Lunch Break Update, Needed Prayers

2010, I am passionate about seeing you go. You brought me the worst of times, the best of times. I don't know how flipping the calendar to January means it all starts anew, but to the great majority it does... so why not. Besides, I want a new start! I have set some personal goals for the new year, that include running 6 of 7 days a week, and following more closely the Weight Watchers plan of healthy habits. I would like to lose 5 lbs. by mid March and improve my race times. I also look forward to hearing from my Facebook (running) friends what running goals have been set... I will follow up and try to keep you on track! Run well!

On a sadder note, as normal in late December/early January, it seems I get more bad news messages than any other time of year. It is enough to depress the most optimistic of souls. My heart is hurting for several of my family members and friends, and for them I wish to say an extra prayer for God's blessings. Will you help me?

• First, for my 83-year-old dad (Fred) who has been in the hospital for two weeks now. He put off seeing a doctor for what we now know was pneumonia. It has gotten worse, not better, in the hospital. Moreover, even though he was on a blood thinner for the last two years, he had a stroke while in the hospital! So now he can still move around, thank GOD, but his memory and cognition is affected. He is not doing well, although my brother is quite sure he will recover. My father does not give up easily, so pray that he keeps fighting, and inherently knows that he needs to fight and mend the illness in his lungs.
  

• Second, please mention my mom Evelyn and brother Kevin in your prayers for strength. Mom faithfully visits Dad at the hospital, and Kevin is the administrator of every logistic.

• Third, for Greg in Cleveland and his family, who lost their daughter Danielle suddenly on December 29th. She leaves behind a 2-year-old daughter.

• Fourth, for Scott in Oregon, who has had more heartbreak than any man should have in a lifetime, and he is younger than I am... pray that his daughter Rebekah remains cancer-free, and that they all are able to handle losing wife/mommy Frances in the very near future to a terrible disease. For a faith-filled family this tragedy is unimaginable. I can barely form the words enough to specifically ask God but for His mercy.

• Fifth, for Nikki, that her mom remains strong during her chemo treatments.
  

• Sixth, for Mark and his children, that they remain blessed with good health, and protected by the Lord.

• Seventh, for Scott, Shannon, Joy, and Bob, please heal their broken hearts, Lord. Show them all hope for a better tomorrow.
  

• And for all who are suffering in silence, Lord, please extend your grace.

Despite what you have read above, we all do have blessings to count; actually, *because* of the above, we need to be counting them every day. I personally know how difficult it is to do that, focus on the positive while in the midst of what seems like endless negative... yet we still need to do it in order to not lose hope.

We also have to remain vigilant about our health and about our habits, that they lead us to positive outcomes. If you have a nagging ache in your body or heart, call a doctor or health professional. Please don't delay.

And with this new year, decide on a healthy goal -- like running more, or eating less fast food. Make a small change. Really do it this time. Pray! Be healthy! Count blessings! Be thankful.

To a better year than 2010 ~ Happy 2011!

Random Thoughts on Love

Bear with me here as I sort out some random thoughts on the topic of love; "love" being in reference to, in this instance, "partner love."

First just a note of background. If there is one thing I have managed to pretty consistently fail at doing, aside from 100-mile races, it is the enduring love relationship thing. Depending on how you look at my track record, you could see this as a negative -- or, you could look at it as a series of lessons I have learned, which now I can apply to and perhaps finally succeed at accomplishing.

One positive, I am a mature woman now, in the years-living category at least. With that age comes experience, knowledge -- a possible benefit over those just starting out in their twenties. To some men, a mature woman knows how to treat him right. (Hmmmm. That sounds promising.) But please understand that this blog entry is in NO WAY trying to communicate that I am some pro at this loving relationship thing. I'm not. Experienced doesn't mean credentialed. Keep that in mind when you read this *opinion piece*!

On to the random thoughts on the topic of LOVE:

• I do not think that human beings were meant to live alone. I think partnering is natural and wonderful. Of course we can all use some alone time, especially when recovering from a recent heartbreak, or setback in life. I just think in general we are meant to love a partner more closely, more intimately than anyone else.
  

• Saying "I love you" is a life-giving statement. I have learned, however, that words are empty when they are just said and not backed up by action. Say AND show your love.
  

• Just because you are "in LOVE" and feeling that warm, happy, "nothing can touch me" shield around you doesn't guarantee life will be stress-free. In fact, count on it to be stressful. Feel confidence in that your person was chosen by you as the one to share both good and bad times.
  

• I have learned that a partner should be protected from bearing the brunt of your internal pain at all costs. If this hurting does happen, and happens often, it takes a whole lot of time (and effort, and love, and forgiveness) to heal, if it ever heals at all.

• Be able to say the words, "I am sorry" genuinely. Don't care what outsiders think, what do they know about your sorrow?
  

• Once an apology is accepted by you, make your heart accept it. Move on, move past it. Otherwise it can erode slowly over time until your love falls away.
  

• Forgiveness is a truly progressed sort of love. It is the right thing to do when there is genuine remorse. Even the "best" folks make mistakes.

• Try and view "little" irritations as they are: of little importance overall.

• Before you put being right as your first priority, think about the possible long term effects. You may be "right" or you may "win" the argument -- but you could end up alone and right.
  

• Pride is a sin for a reason.

• "Cover" your partner at all costs. If there is a spray of gunfire, cover him. Protect her.

• Stabilize instead of stress. When all else falls down around your partner, you want to be the ones still standing.

• Cherish your partner.

• Physical intimacy can be awesome. Making love is even more awesome. Strive for the latter.

• Realize the gift you have been given by God, no matter the road he/she took to get to you. Accept that blessing with thanks and vow to feel blessed every day of your life.

• If you are in a season of life that finds you without a partner, please try to not despair. You can find love all around you if you look for it -- in the eyes of your children, your family, your friends, your pet friends, sometimes even your colleagues. Lean on them during this time. Let them love you! And be open to a new start (or re-start) when it finds you.
  

This world today is so full of anger, and pride, and bitterness. Why contribute to that? Why not lead with love every day?

Hold on for dear life, and don't ever let go.

They all act the same

Months back I posted a blog entry similar to this, and removed it because I was told to do so. I have rewritten it and post it now with the disclaimer that all characters referenced in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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They all act the same. I have observed it: like father, like father. In person or on the phone the dialogue is consistently the same:

“Great, how are you? Awh, well, livin’ the dream! Everyone’s fine here, just running around, you know, sitting around relaxing when I should be cutting the grass – but hey, everything is great!”

Their way of living life is by showing the outside a positive, fine, consistent, happy front. As long as that is covered, then the inside can limp along injured, broken, and probably no one will ever know.

I do not lie like they lie. Perhaps “lie” is too strong of a word… perhaps what they say is indeed somewhat true… they are just avoiding the unpleasant, uncomfortable feeling having to explain … what… a life of constant disappointment? This could be either a tried-and-true method of avoiding uncomfortable feelings, or a conscious effort to keep others from suffering that feeling with them. Doubtful, however, the latter… they don’t really think about sparing others their emotions; it is more a learned strategy of self-protection. If only a perfect, happy world looks to exist, then no one is brought in too close. No one needs them, they need no one. Generations can learn this is the way to do life. Surface-level relationships are just easier.

“The child is the father of the man.” William Wordsworth may have meant that, as it was in childhood it shall be in adulthood. I take it further to mean that what we learn in childhood is what we live and pass down to our children. We model certain behaviors. If you grew up in a family where hugs were the norm, you will most likely be more open to hugging as a parent. Granted, you can change (or at least modify) what you have learned… if you recognize this is not how you want to live… but it is difficult to change anything without the motivation to do so. You have to want to be changed.

I was raised with a powerful but soft-hearted father, and an emotionally variant mother. I still love receiving greeting cards from Dad that say, “I love you, Sue” because that is his way of saying the words to me that I truly need to know. Mom was, and still is, a dramatic, theatrical woman who openly shared with me as a child that I was driving her to a “nervous breakdown.” She was also there for me at 2 a.m. to listen to all my heartbreaking details of Jay wanting another girl in the cheer squad, of Gene buying me a hot fudge brownie sundae at Big Boy and confiding that he is gay, and of my first major breakup and how despite my efforts Scott wouldn’t leave Alcohol for me.

Unintentionally, just like my mother, and her mother, I constantly update those who love me of my emotional barometer. My internal storms are usually broadcast for those close to me to see and observe. This previous summer those storms were intense and a lot more difficult to hide. An emotional roller coaster is fatiguing! Besides that, “normal life” went on – all while the turmoil churned. I ran around daily complaining, I have too much work to do! I have a job, and messes that need to be cleaned up… I have to coordinate over 300 volunteers for a national championship race – hell, I have to RUN that 100-mile race! I cried, I had stomach aches, I drug myself to work, I ran poorly. When I feel lost, you see it, and it looked terrible on me. What I had considered a great “strength” of living “authentically” was quickly becoming one of my greatest weaknesses. But how else was I supposed to handle it when that was the only way I knew to feel?

I guess my point is that you learn how to act and react from the environment from which you came, and from which you have lived most recently. If you saw a parent or parents ignoring pain and maintaining a hardcore outside, you might be living the same. If you saw your mother crying when she lost a faithful friend or when she was extremely disappointed, you might believe that it is okay to process hurt openly.

I am not hard-hearted.

I have learned to deal with nearly all life issues with passion. Changing that part of me would be difficult, if not impossible to do… and if I changed that ability to access raw emotions I would radically change the person I have become. Mom taught me that it is better to love and lose than to not love; I have taught my daughters to trust and share their hearts, to not fear being truly close with loved ones. I want them to hug their children someday – big bear hugs that risk their public reputations with friends but really just make them the envy of their enemies. But feeling does hurt. I will give him, the father’s father, that credit: you have avoided heartbreak like a true champion. And why would you want to feel pain if it could be conveniently avoided, right?

You survive like you have been taught to survive.

Mom used to look either rock-solid in charge, or frighteningly distraught. I could tell that it frightened her to have so much of herself invested, to be that “out of control.” When I went away to college she cleaned the house down to the corners. She hung on to memories and drove around with a stuffed toy of mine in the passenger seat for months. Worse than not being able to pack a lunch for me, she had lost a life companion. So I got weekly care packages in the mail, and weekends home, and lots of hugs and special food. Sure, it would have been more clear-cut to be closed and final, saying goodbye and turning off the care switch. Like his father, or like him, or like his son, her life would have been so much simpler to say goodbye and watch me go.

Saying goodbye – and feeling the loss – hurts.

I think for the first time in a long time I am considering that a happy existence shown on the outside does not necessarily mean a cold heart resides inside. True that no one is brought in too close intentionally, because what would happen if they needed someone? They have only learned to be strong alone. Might they still feel passion on the inside, even though it is stifled? Do you figure, though, that anyone will ever access the raw nerve that generates a truly open and vulnerable “I love you so much”? I would hope so. I have to face that it just wasn’t me who could reach it. He said goodbye and watched me go.

So what does this all mean? Probably nothing… perhaps everything. You survive as you have been taught to survive.

To those who love me: thank you for your support over the last year. Please know that all the hours you have invested in me are here, banked for you as the same loving support when you need me. I am here for you! That’s what real friends do – what real partners do – when one is down the other supports. And yes, this way of living, it is hard, and it hurts, and it takes time and investment, and risk – and it is not at all easy.

Indeed, a conversation ends so much sooner if you report that everyone is just fine; and we walk away with our whole selves still intact. I, personally, hope to leave a part of me in the hearts of all those I love.

If we have the power to choose at all, I dare ask, how would you rather live?