Who Am I To Say It, But It Needs To Be Said

Disclaimer: This blog post is not about you specifically, or anyone close to us in particular. It may sure sound familiar to you, which is my point. Please read on.

I know I have claimed this before, in various Facebook status postings, although not yet on this blog. Now seems to be the appropriate time to say it here: I think the world is going to end. Why? Because it seems everyone is going nuts. Losing it. Disrespecting each other, in public even. Hurting each other. Of course I am generalizing, and being slightly dramatic about the world ending thing, but given my recent purview of folks' lives around me, I am not far from the truth. We are out of control, we have gone mad!

Specifically, I have been shocked at what has been going on in relationships. Never before have I personally known just so many couples who have been giving up, breaking up, and then humiliating each other to anyone and everyone. If it isn't bad enough to do that to each other, they have to do it to an audience. And then a whole community is involved, repeating it, usually incorrectly, and propagating a whole new level of insult to the injury.

Before you go on believing I am speaking about someone you know, hold back and get that I am generalizing what I perceive to be a rampant problem. A friend of mine made a good point -- if more than 50% of marriages end up in divorce, and most relationships don't make it even to marriage, then the likelihood is that we will all experience a break up, especially if we are single, or not married, currently. You'd think that by now we would know how to handle it, more adeptly, more honestly, more respectfully.

I don't know if I have just been super-tuned in to the drama or if this has been happening before, and I am only now noticing. The cheating, lying, deceiving, game playing, obsessing, hounding, hating has progressed to a level that I just cannot believe. Where did we go wrong? When did we start believing it was acceptable to cheat, or see our friends cheating, and then just have it be the norm? Do you see it happening and not call your friend on this behavior? Or, when did we come to believe that drinking heavily and telling off our ex's was an okay thing to do, publicly? Or, how about the lying by omission that takes place -- when did that become not just another lie?

What drives a person to flaunt a new attraction, and then try to cover it or blast everyone with lies about when it all began? Okay, so maybe I have been guilty of this myself in the past. No, it is not okay to heal a relationship with another overlapping relationship. That new person gets hurt, too, because so often it is a rebound and ends soon later. And no, it is not okay to ravage a person's life when you decide for the moment to go BACK to the original person you cheated on to cheat again. It is NOT okay to pretend it was justified.

The question I want to ask you, everyone reading this, is where is our commitment level, first of all. When did every relationship become so disposable? And where is our sensitivity level if the break up occurs? You loved each other at one point, I am guessing. What makes you so cold to your ex-partner's feelings? We all deserve the truth. And we all have the ability to deliver it in a caring, respectful way. Sure, it hurts. And it is hard to face. Still, sit down, sober, in front of that person you once cherished, and explain your heart, explain why it isn't working for you. Perhaps there is a lesson in that explanation. After all the dust has settled, and you have both moved on, your honesty and empathy will be remembered.

Okay, so relationships break up. Marriages end. Bad things happen to good people. It is terrible for everyone involved, including children, extended family, friends. There is pain that is felt far beyond what you realize. Respect is called for! A kind, reassuring word, even in the worst of situations can remove so much anger and bitterness. That extension of dignity may prevent someone from taking a drink after being sober, or eating a whole pie after losing weight, performing poorly at her job, or running so many miles it actually injures him in the long run.

Maintain their importance in your heart. You do not have to stay with that person if a break up is the solution for a situation broken beyond repair. But can you just honor that person as a human with feelings, and walk away with an open door to a friendship?

What's more, let them go. This for me is the hardest thing to do -- I barely am able to do this -- it hurts deeply to do this -- but hug him and walk away. Try to not obsess, say permanently damaging things, wreck your own reputation or ravage yourself with guilt. It may just have been poor timing. You aren't broken -- you together were.

It feels so right at the time when you are angry and hurt to say mean, searing words to the person you trusted with your heart. I know, because I have said them. And not but a day later, I have regretted them. Sometimes an apology mended the fallout, but mostly just weakened an already strained relationship. What a gift patience would be at a moment like this!

What a blessing to remember the good times, and honor what that special person has added to your life. Most likely there was something. Or else why would you have dedicated time and risked exposing your heart? Cherish those memories, cherish the one who was once "your person."

Trust me, I am no where near perfection in regard to relationships. I have obsessed and pushed and cried for answers more times that I will admit here. And it was wrong. But in the end, I maintained MY self respect and respect for my partner, so that if the day ever came when we needed each other, that door was open still. If only to look inside and say, yes, I remember you fondly.

I am no one really, no PhD in kindness or what to do when you feel hurt more than you could have ever imagined. I am only an observer who has seen and heard way too much badness and blatant disregard for each other in this very broken society. This is my opinion only, and who am I really to say. But someone has GOT to say it.

Think before you act. If you have to, leave. But please, leave with your dignity intact.

And if you have been left, feel it, work through it... try to not fight it or cover it with distractions. And most of all, speak kindly of the person you once called your love.

No matter our personal situations, hate cannot be the answer. It is creating a cold, calculated society. It is ruining us. Please don't let it.

2012 ~ A New Year, New Race Goals ~ Updated

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2012 has started as a true new beginning! I don't really believe in "Resolutions" for the new year, and yet I feel motivated and energized to set personal goals for myself -- mainly around running and fitness. By "publishing" these goals in a (sort of) public place, I am holding myself accountable to YOU.

Here is a list of my scheduled races so far, and updates as I complete them during the year.

Run for Regis 50k Winter "Fun" Run ~ Sunday, January 15, 2012
(DONE! 7:04 -- In 2010, better conditions than this year, my time was 8:47. Improvement!)








Green Jewel 50k ~ Saturday, March 3, 2012
(DONE! 5:34)












Fools 50k ~ Sunday, April 1, 2012
(DONE! 6:28 ~ course PR for me!)








Bull Run Run 50-Mile ~ Virginia ~ Saturday, April 14, 2012
(DONE! 11:54 ~ Not too thrilled with this slow time, but considering the migraine, I should be really happy I finished!)










On My Own Two Feet (Trail) Marathon ~ Saturday, April 21, 2012
(DONE! 4:47)







No Frills Just Hills Fat Ass ~ Saturday, May 26, 2012
(Done, 12 loops in 6 hours, 25.2 miles, first woman, tie for 2nd overall)


Mohican 50 ~ Saturday, June 16, 2012
(DONE! I don't remember my time, but it was not pretty.)


Buckeye Trail 50k ~Saturday, July 14, 2012
(DONE! 7:08 ~ My best time on this course of the past four years!)






Great Cranberry Island 50k ~ Maine ~ July 21, 2012
(DONE! 5:55 ~ Another state toward my 50! #28)







Burning River 100 ~ Saturday, July 28, 2012
(Volunteer Coordinator, 5th year in a row... opted to NOT run this year.)






Hallucinating 100 ~ Friday, September 7, 2012







Other possible races might include a random marathon out of state.

Generally, my resolution for training is to document my workouts regularly on dailymile. I am aiming to run every day of this year -- so far I have only missed a day. Even if it is just to log a couple of miles, I intend to suit up and get out of the house to run. Most often, even when I only think I am going to get in a couple miles, I end up getting more because I started feeling better. Getting out of the door, taking that first step, is really the majority of the effort for me!

I had intended to average 7 miles per mile over the year, 49 miles per week average for a total of about 2,500 miles in 2012. That total is being scaled-down to around 2,000. If I stick to the training plan of running every day, intensely for the rest of the year, and getting two long runs in on the weekends, plus a few long races, then I should easily be able to average this mileage. Granted, I intend to be injury-free for this to happen.

Plus I would like to cross-train more this year. I have my Trek road bike on the CycleOps in my tiny living room, believe it or not, so that I am able to jump on it anytime I want to watch stupid television or stretch my legs. This could be only good for me, right? And I would really like to try a Zumba class with Savanna.

Too large of a goal? Nope. I feel this is realistic, not too lofty or unattainable.

The best thing about this plan? It is within MY control. My legs, my fitness level, my performance, my endurance, my motivation. This is the time to get back to the "me" I have often set aside for others, and concentrate on living the "now" and loving the things I am responsible for -- my daughters, my mom, my pets, my friendships, my house, my garden, my job. While it would be wonderful to have a man next to me, sharing in this life and me in his, all that I need is here in front of me. Maybe one day love will find me again.

Happy New Year to everyone. May it bring you many wonderful surprises, peace, serenity, and joy. Come run with me!

Letting Go

For two years now my life has been an endless lesson in Letting Go. My insides are harder -- so much I can endure these days! -- but the soft me slumped on the floor in surrender begs to differ.

Letting go of expectations, and too-lofty of dreams, I feel more peace and tepid joy. I've had to let go of my father, and my family traditions, and let go of hopes that folks would change if I only tried harder. Family and friends alike, I can only be who I am.

Even as my children have grown closer to me, I let them go to lead the lives I have hopefully instilled in them to live... in honesty and boldness, feeling it all. I want to save them from this heartache and yet I can't -- for every choice they make will have a consequence only they can pay. I love them unconditionally, but I need to let go.

If we love something, set it free.

And now this. This one may take more time. Always unexpected, coldly knocked off the warm cushion I was enjoying. Pulling myself up off the ground, I feel so weak. But as I can stand, every day I will let another piece of you go.

All I Wish to Give Him

The birthday had arrived of someone close to me, someone I considered then my friend, my calming force, my ground. On that day of all days I pondered, how ever will I give him all the gifts he deserves, all that I wish to give him?

Back when I was a child I clearly remember wanting to give my parents so much, none of which was easily obtained or of which I could afford of course -- like a new 32' cabin cruiser for my dad or a brand new Cadillac for my mom. I would find pictures in magazines, clip them and paste them on to pretty colored paper, wrap them up and say, "If I could, I would give you...."

Not that I acknowledged this when I was young, but in retrospect I believe that I was trying to say that they deserved the best of everything, perhaps realizing that it was a little out of reach, or maybe more than what life would ever give them. I hope I didn't create a negative, making them realize all they didn't have -- maybe because of adopting me, or maybe because they sacrificed so much to be able to give ME what I wanted for Christmas or my birthday. It wasn't an effort to highlight lack -- in my heart I wanted to give my parents all that they ever desired, because I loved them *that* much.

That's what happens when you genuinely love someone. You want the best for him. No matter the fortune or blessings he has already received, there are dreams he holds dear, "what-ifs" he ponders, that once you know his heart you just want to give him because you believe that he is so extraordinary. Even if that means letting him go, to find those gifts alone.

So on that day I exposed my heart and made a list, of all I wished to ever be able to give him. When I originally wrote this letter, I wanted the world for him.

My Dear,

Since most of what you dream has to do with physical activities -- sports you love -- and you must have the physical ability to achieve those goals, the number one thing I would grant you if I had the power, is a pain-free body and easy breathing.


If I had the physical ability, I would pace you to a sub-22 hour 100-mile race, and to another 16 minute 5k race. I would make sure you qualified for the National Tri Championships, or the Boston Marathon again, whatever finish you desired.


If I had the fortune, I would pre-pay and guarantee every race registration you desired, all travel expenses paid, so that any monkey perched on your back would be knocked off vengefully.


If I had the influence, I would grant you a spot on a national race team, sponsored by the brand of your choice. You'd be the one answering the questions of newbies and in-awe trail girls.


If I had the resources, I would pay off your mortgage, so you'd never be tied to a structure financially again.


If I had the fortune, I would buy you out to an early retirement. The pilot I hired would be available at-will to fly you to any of your dream escapes.


If I were a builder, I would construct a walk-in closet in your home just for running shoes and gear, a super-sized rack to hold all of your bicycles -- most prominently the uniquely designed bikes of your choice, fit for impromptu adventure races or cross-country tours.


I would find you a large plot of land, hidden deep in the woods of a beautiful pacific northwest forest, and have built your vacation getaway. Few trees would be sacrificed in the process. The wood shop there would have ample space for building kayaks or canoes, ships of your dreams. I would conjure for you endless energy, so that your living hours would outnumber your sleeping hours 10-to-1. I would increase the number of hours in your day.


If I were the editor of your life history, I would lighten the hard times and sweeten even more the good.


If I could harness all the love and peace possible, I would gather it and pour it into your family, friends, neighbors and colleagues, so they all would meet you with Calm and Understanding, ridding your world of Loud, Nasty or Mean.


If I had a time machine I would magically dedicate one woman to you for the best 40 years of your life. Actually, make that 50. Together in one household you would raise your beautiful children.


If I had my way, you would never doubt love again.


I would pray that you have Happy Birthdays from now on, a gift in every day, somehow, some way.


If I had just one wish, I would wish this all -- and more -- for you.


I doubt you will ever understand what all this could have meant for you, had you held on to the greatest gift freely given to you. I loved you THAT much.

Shoot First, Justify Later

Today, I am truly embarrassed to say that I am from Ohio.

Not a whole lot happens in the city of Zanesville, so I hear. I have driven through it on my way to Ohio University a couple of times, and a college friend of mine took me there once to visit her mother. For the most part it isn’t an overly thriving, educated, or wealthy area – and I can say that because I am from Cleveland and know what near-poverty can look like. Judgments are made about us across the country based on how the outside perceives us, and truth be told, perception is that laziness and ignorance abounds in sheltered impoverished Ohio towns.

The mass slaughter of some 48-49 exotic animals in Zanesville this week only strengthens the theory that (white trash redneck) laziness is alive and thriving here in Ohio. What makes it worse is the local media attempting to show support of the rash, single-minded “shoot first ask questions later” decisions of law enforcement officials. The welfare of the community was at stake -- they couldn’t have “threatening” wild animals roaming the “neighborhoods.”

Officers were ordered, before even getting to the property, to shoot at will if they perceived any possible danger. “These aren’t house cats, ya know.” Rare Bengal tigers they were, and no, they were not house cats. But most of those animals were raised in captivity. They did not break loose from their gates, the gates were left open for them to roam. The sheriff himself reported that none of the animals that were killed got past 500 yards of the property lines.

Shoot at will.

This morning on my commute to work a highway alert sign flashed that an adult male was missing. I wonder, are we ordered to kill him without hesitation then if we see him? He may be harmful.

Human life is obviously more valued than animal life, and justifiably so, I guess.

But really, were guns the only way to go? Did anyone at all think of possible options? What about calling in educated professionals from The Wilds, or the Department of Natural Resources? What about accessing tranquilizers? One vet tried one tranquilizer on one animal and the animal panicked. What about the other 48? Nope, no time or motivation to do a more difficult thing like gathering resources or asking questions… or pausing before blind action.

The sheriff was a self-described animal lover. He was doing what he "had" to do. No choice, it was getting dark, there were too many of them, too large, potentially dangerous, no access to tranquilizers, and besides, academy training didn’t include handling large animal escapes. Hoards of neighboring folks could have been attacked in their beds if not for the strong protection of that local sheriff.

Justify what COULD have happened all you want. This is really about rural, embarrassingly -Ohio small town law enforcement officials with a grudge. The Thompson property, though licensed and currently legal, had been a “problem” for years. Law enforcement was tired of dealing with the phone calls in the middle of the night, “Uh, yes, officer, I heard the lion roar again over at the Thompsons… don’t we have official quiet time in this town or something? Can’t you just make them go away?”

Thompson’s wife is now without a husband and without her “family.” One news report featured her crying, “Please don’t take away my family!”

I guess Zanesville has less trouble to deal with, now that their menacing neighbor is defenseless. Moreover, Ohio politicians now have ammunition to pass more stringent exotic pet laws. Apparently this tragedy is a “wake up call.”

What I know is that for the last three weeks my daughters and I have taken in a stray pregnant cat, and gone to great lengths to save her life and the lives of her kittens. Many sleepless nights and heartbreaks later, one kitten has survived. We are treasuring that kitten and his mommy. We feel it is a victory to have saved those little lives. And then we hear a story of such tragedy, such careless wasting of innocent animal lives, and we just cannot make sense of it. No, we weren’t there. We didn’t have to make on-the-spot life or death decisions in the moment of supposed panic. We can barely sit here and judge those people without knowing the whole situation. Judgments are made by outsiders’ limited perception. And I have made a judgment.

Exotic animals are potentially dangerous.

Obviously, so are humans.

I am where I should be

Isn't it funny how once in a while something just clicks and you get to understand one of your purposes on this earth or in the role you now serve? I had that happen to me this morning.

For all the times I have bemoaned the fact that I earned a Masters Degree and a State Counseling License and do not currently practice in the field, I was shown a reason today for my education.

I do believe that an unwritten job responsibility in my role as department coordinator and human resources liaison is to assist in mediating differences, and even more importantly to recognize (and support) those who do so much for so little. State employees like the staff I work with at CSU are being asked to take on two, three, and even four other jobs as retirements or vacancies are not filled due to budget constraints. So many of those additional responsibilities are not even incorporated into existing job descriptions, so no monetary compensation for the extra work is gained. This is not a random problem, it is a common widespread problem, in the academic world, public sector and even the private sector.

I do think, though, that by acknowledging appreciation for one's work not only recognizes that person professionally to colleagues, but works to bolster self esteem and motivation to continue doing the job. Lately I have been shown the opportunities to do just that for my team mates. No, I am not the "boss," we are equals -- but saying "thank you" and "good job" does matter, and can positively turn a negative day into a more positive one... I have watched it happen.

Thank God I am blessed with emotional intelligence and though not in a managerial role can affect the production of others so we move forward as a unit. We benefit, and that in turn benefits the students we are working to serve.

I am where I should be... today is a good day.

A Community of Understanding

Some quick thoughts on the North Coast 24, held this past weekend on the shores of Lake Erie.

First and foremost, thank you to Dan Horvath for all of his work as race director, and to Shannon Fisher for her work getting together and keeping together the volunteers and tremendous array of food. And to Frank Dwyer for his work, and Roy Heger for loading up and driving the truck (and unloading it) while knowing they were both going to put in their own efforts running the race (and both did tremendously well, let me add!!). Thanks to Howard Nippert for being the official USATF rep and for his support. I thank all the happy and responsive volunteers, like Dan Bellinger who made sure I had water every lap, anything I needed to keep going, and Jan Roe for being beautiful and spunky. And for Mike Keller who gave me coffee, and all those other people for which I am so appreciative.

I don’t intend to write a race report per se, personally it was a little disappointing to go in to that race knowing I was ill-prepared and taking a spot away from some other “deserving” runner who might have been actually able to place in the National Championships. But I still love the event and thought maybe the Plantar Fasciitis in my left foot would behave enough for me to not embarrass myself at least. I was able to squeak out 100k, 62.2 miles, but the majority of those miles did take place in the first 14 hours of the race. Thankfully my daughter Alicia was able to wake me up and get me out from under the warm covers to do another 10 laps or so before I went back to bed until dawn. I hobbled around a couple more times before the clock ran down to 0, but only because Jay did. In all honesty, my main motivation for even showing up was because Jay wanted to do the event with me. He believed in me, and knew that no matter how many miles we “ran,” we did it together.

The race proved to be another excellent memory made, and this time for more reasons than just how I felt and how I finished. This time I observed more, and appreciated more the effort of those runners who accompanied me. Perhaps in the past I had minimized the effort it takes to compete – really compete – at a national level. I know that I downplayed the effort it takes to get 100 miles in, under 24 hours – it was simple math after all, at least 5 laps an hour. Doable, right? Well this year I realized that to even get 100 miles in takes a consistent effort from a runner. The folks I know who got 100+ miles were up at it mostly all 24 hours. They were still moving when I was not.

I know for sure that those runners who were shooting for records and/or a spot on the national team are absolutely made of something different than me. For the most part they were not out there laughing, pausing for lots of hug breaks, or messing around with cute skirts… they were determined. They had a plan. Most had a crew – a supportive parental unit, or dear friend, spouse or fellow elite ultrarunner handing out prepared bottles, responding to “pb&j” requests, and yelling encouraging (sometimes mean) words to get them moving faster. I heard discussion of mathematical calculations written up to stay on track. Some runners were tracking food intake by the calorie. A lot of them didn’t even change clothes. The top runners who had those really high miles did not stop to sit. No sock changes or complaining to the tent-dwellers next to them. They were driven. They were something else to watch. I wonder if the whole of Cleveland understood what these athletes were accomplishing. The overall winner, Phil McCarthy, ran 153 miles – 170 LAPS -- around that circle. The top 10 overall each had totals of 125 miles or more. I wonder if anyone outside of our community understood the amount of talent pooling around that .9 mile loop at Edgewater Park was actually newsworthy.

I like to think that I am one of them. And sometimes just by participating in these events, showing up and doing okay relative to “recreational runners,” I am one of them. Like Jay said to me yesterday, it was cool to be there, so close to the action to watch it – front row seat -- to be an observer but also a participant. How awesome was that, how fortunate.

I suppose on a good day (in another life), if I really made the honest effort, I could be close to being one of them. But for now I am happy to have had the experience, and to call those amazing runners my friends -- some just for being one with me in the community of understanding.